Recently, someone tried to give me some advice on how to make friends after I explained to them that I have social anxiety and that makes it hard for me to make real friends. They said I should go to a place where I'm likely to meet like-minded people that will want to be friends with me. Huh.
I never realized it was that easy, but that's probably because I have social anxiety and it doesn't work that way for me.
Going to places like the movies or the library or a bar or a club is probably how most normal people make friends, right?
That does not work for me. It just doesn't. If I go to places like that and find someone I want to be friends with, I have to walk up to them and keep myself from having an anxiety attack. That's something that's pretty hard to do when A) you have no control over your feelings of anxiety and B) you're too busy, worrying about whether or not the person you're trying to talk to thinks you're a complete and total idiot. It usually doesn't work and the anxiety attack usually leads to a depressive bipolar swing, which could leave me feeling horrible about myself for days on end.
I wake up every day, feeling like I'm seconds away from having an anxiety attack. There is a constant pressure on my chest caused by the pounding of my own heart. When I go out in public, I don't look at people, I don't talk to anyone, and I stay as far as away from crowds and people as humanly possible, so I can try not to worry about whether or not they're judging me or making a joke at my expanse. If I see someone I want to talk to, I don't talk to them because I don't want to have to worry about humiliating myself and having an anxiety attack. I constantly try to make decisions that other people would approve of, so I don't have to worry about them judging me.
Everything I do from the way I cut my hair to the clothes and food that I buy is decided for me, based on the positive or negative reactions I get from other people. Even when I go online to a social media website or a forum, I think carefully about everything I post or say. I don't talk about how I'm feeling because if I do, people will find me whiny. I don't talk about a normal in my life because if I do, people will find me boring. I don't talk about the things I don't like because if I do, there's a chance someone will assume I'm talking about them and start a scene. I don't talk about my accomplishments because if I do, people will think I'm trying to get attention.
I essentially don't talk to anyone about anything, except my husband, and if I do post something personal online, it's usually about my husband, our cats, or movies or television and even then, I worry about whether or not someone will go out of their to accuse me of not having a life. I really feel like I don't get to make friends because I'm just constantly on edge and afraid to.
No one needs to tell me that this is no way to live. I know it isn't and I feel horrible that I can't just go out and meet people like everyone else. Or that I get so hung up on people that I used to be friends with or who were just nice to me for no reason that I'll go out of my way to please them, even if I know they're bad for me or if I know they want nothing to do with me for some reason or another. I know it makes me look pathetic like some lost puppy dog or crazed fangirl, and believe me, if I had a choice I would give up my attachment issues in a second, but it kinda comes with the territory, unfortunately. I also know that I don't need people to tell me how to make friends because I know that I can't do it. Or, at least, I know that I can't make friends like everyone else.
I'm not stupid. I learned how you're supposed to make friends in preschool just like everyone else. It simply doesn't work.
I just need people to understand that and to understand why it's so horribly insensitive to say thing like, "Oh, you just need to go out and meet people" to me. Hopefully, one day, I'll be able to friends that will understand that, but for now I'm happy that I have my husband who loves me and our little cats. They're my family, and I love them. They make me happy. That's all that matters.
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